Healing, it's hard!

It's been a season, I'm sure you can relate?!.

@themotherhoodtheory

The start of this season felt like rose petals lining a hallway, soft and intentional. The next chapter. Like a breath of fresh air. The chapter where she (I) said yes. And I was in awe, excited, joyful, and confident.
The moment I had always prayed for but never felt worthy of, an answered prayer, brought right to my door. 

But what if I told you that as beautiful as this season was and still is, it was not a Ruth finding her Boaz moment, yet.

It was an, ‘and now the real work begins’ type of moment.

My once upon a time moment had to share the spotlight. Everything I had worked towards, all my prayers, suddenly felt like a test. 

What if I said, I felt more like Naomi the moment she changed her name to Mara, than I did to Ruth when God had rewarded her obedience in the form of meeting her Boaz. Naomi who was grieving and angry. Naomi who was trying to be strong for everyone around her, showing up, holding it together. 

…But inside, the void was so deep she let it rename her.

“Don’t call me Naomi,” she said. “Naomi means pleasant. Call me Mara, because the Almighty has made my life very bitter.”
Ruth 1:20

That verse, the one I’d read many times in the past and overlooked, suddenly felt heavy. I felt guilty for how I was feeling, for how impacted I felt by one sentence. Struggling with feeling two things at once, every single day when I should have been celebrating, and sometimes I felt like a hypocrite.

I’m happily in love.
I’m a present mother.
I’m learning how to build a small business.

And yet I was still sad. Still lonely. Still wrestling with abandonment from my past. It confused me.

I thought if the relationship was good, I would feel whole.
If my kids were thriving, I would feel steady.
If my faith was strong, I would feel healed.

But I realized something that changed everything.

My relationship is not the issue.
My children are not the issue.
My blessings are not the issue.

The truth is, all my years of healing had given me new tools for old experiences. I was informed but still felt unequipped for this new battle, I had no experience and I doubted God. 

I had learned how to forgive, create boundaries, choose myself and walk by faith. But I hadn’t learned how to respond to triggers in real time, I hadn’t surrendered to the same God I always said I trusted.

Healing on paper did not prepare me for the flood of feelings that came when triggered at a moments notice.

Now armed with faith, self awareness and understanding the root of my internal struggles. I was able to trace my pain back to familial wounds, accountability, to moments where little me felt unseen and unprotected, but awareness is not the finish line.

Now comes the real work. Healing in the middle of the circumstances that expose what still hurts.
Applying everything you have learned to everything you are actively experiencing. Choosing not to let my flesh, my past, my mind, or my triggers set me on the wrong course. I had worked too hard for this life and they deserved the best of me as much as I deserved the best version of myself. I was ready, it was now or never and now meant holding myself accountable and managing my reactions. It meant trusting in him fully and not just saying I did. I had to hand it all over. 

This is the crucial part.

This is the part that protects your joy.
The part that interrupts self sabotage.
The part that refuses to slip in and out of depressive thoughts.
The part that builds consistent stability. 

The work and the realization…

The understanding... 

You can be in a beautiful season and still be healing.
You can be deeply loved and still untangling old abandonment.
You can say yes to the next chapter and still be learning how to stay present in it.

Remember, Naomi felt bitter, but her story did not end there. 

Neither does mine, neither does yours. 🌹

YOU ARE ENOUGH, HE IS ENOUGH, THEY ARE ENOUGH. TOGETHER YOU ARE WORTHY. 

(Read the book of Ruth, such a beautiful story of grief, redemption, love, and legacy)

Pray, surrender, heal and choose love always.

Stay tuned for another journal entry…

@themotherhoodtheory